well, not really started the "grind" grind, but i have joined my new office. And so far so good . But it is too early, so I will wait a while before I pass the verdict.
I took a 10 day break and I have a observation ( more like confession) : if I count the best times of my adult life , most of them has to be in the break I took between jobs . Seriously .. all the stress and worries of the old job left behind and no new tensions or pressure of new job . No phone calls to attend , no mails to check , no instructions to pass , no supervision or quality check. Pure bliss.
But it is over now . till the next one .
N says I change jobs for these breaks . He is wrong ofcourse , but one fact I will concede , that for me the anticipation of the break time is way more than the new job itself .
I quit . i wanted to quit gracefully , with no drama , no emotion . just plain quit . ah well , (wo)man proposes , (ms.) god disposes . THIS is what ensued , the story of my worst ( longest , 10 days )ever break-up:
*shock* *hurt* . what happened ? we thought you were so happy ? we have to talk . you can’t do this to us. We are never letting you go . tell us what we can do .
no no , it is not you guys , it is me . *guiltily* I have an opportunity I am very excited about , I want to check it out.
it is all our fault . we should have been more attentive , more communicative. we got busy with other departments , assumed all is fine with you .*sad* our fault , our fault. lets begin again . we will be better this time , way better. pls . *wistful*
no no , seriously guys , dont bash yourself . as i said it just happened , i met these people *more guiltily* and everthing just fell into place .
arre , dont believe them . they sense a little dissatisfaction and they swoop in promising the moon . *big brother like* especially with employees like you who are emotional creative people.
*a little insulted* no they didnt do anything like that . i want to go and work with them . you have to let me go.
No way! tell us : you don’t like your present vertical head , no problem! Will shift your team to report directly to the MD . designation ? sure ! will make you a AGM.*hysterical* salary ? sure! will 40% raise right now and another one at the end of the year do ? *desperate*you want individual projects to handle , without the interference of nyo ? of course ! we understand artistic people need creative independence. *blabbering* you want to handle multi brands ? definitely! wait for another 6 months , we will give you an opportunity to pitch for other clients as well. *unbelievable*
OMG , I am flattered , honored . *feeling very guilty* but I still think this is best thing for me at this stage.
Fine . go if you want . but you are making the worst decision of ur life . this is family (sic!) and you are abandoning a family .*hurt* you are kicking away a bright future. you have built the process yourself . it is like your own company. How can you leave it ?*accusing*
yes, *sniff sniff* yes I have built the team , each one of them. but I still want to go .
give us your husband’s number we will ask him to knock some sense into your impulsive head .
what ? *shocked* NO !!!!!!
Ok, fine *sulk* you have to complete your 2 months notice period for HODs.
Nope , my contract says 4 weeks , you have wasted one , so three weeks from now , and I am out of this place .*very professional*
*more sulk* this is what we get after valuing you so much . *panic stricken*you leave us in middle of nowhere , what will we do in 3 weeks , where will we find a replacement?????????????????????
Oh ok *feeling guilty , sorry , ashamed…. And like I am dealing at a vegetable shop*… 6 weeks then , neither yours nor mine . ok ? kapish ?
6 weeks , guys .*curt*. then I am out of here . *matter-of-factly*
Oh alright *expression of taking out the knife from their back* 6 weeks , but promise us you wont take anyone of your team for at least 8 weeks after you have left . promise ?
LOVE YOUR JOB, BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY 'COZ U NEVER KNOW WHEN THE COMPANY STOPS LOVING YOU - Narayana Murthy -
So I did it again .
Took a really long break from blogging ……and came back again.
Got bored of what I was doing in my job………..put in papers in 2 yrs again.
Listened to a friend and followed her diet plan…………….went back to eating in flat 3 days again.
Didn’t listen to N……………..got a new hair colour again.
Meddled in my sis’s business……………..was told to back off again.
Sensed uncomfortable distance with a friend…………..called her to fix it, again.
Got what I wanted for a long time..............lost it again.
Faced failure..............started the pursuit again.
Fought with my mother……….again .
Worried about my grandma……..again .
Couldn’t do anything about it………again .
Spoke too much…………….again.
Hurt loved ones………..again.
Forgave and forgot…………..again.
Loved and was loved…………….again.
Happiness found..............again .
It is good to be back …………again.
Till I leave ……………again.
It seems right.
It seems worth it all.
It seems like about time.
It was never very easy. But it was never very hard also.
Yet the calm that descends is like never before.
Funny in the pit of the stomach.
Unfamiliar heart beat.
You try to remember how it was before this moment.
The struggle, strife, insecurity.
The determination, resolve, purpose.
There IS light at the end of every tunnel.
I saw it today. I reached the end of this one. A really long one.
I know there will one more tunnel tomorrow, another the day after.
But I know now. I know better.
There will be light at the end of them all.
All I need is belief and patience.
I will see it through, like today.
I am ready.
So we shifted to our new house, which will be our home for the next as many years we want . The building is not complete. There are only 2 more families apart from us who have moved in. The lift isn’t working. We don’t like the paper guy who is the official paperwala assigned by the builder. We have carpenter working in the hall. The house is always dirty. The kitchen is in mess, we haven’t had a single decent meal since we shifted. It will be a month , till we are able to invite friends over for dinner or that house warming party both of us have been planning to have way , before we even bought this house. N seems to be obsessed with the interior, he is always talking of the curtain rods , colour of the laminate , the toilet fixture etc. we are still to have any other conversation apart from all that. There is a school next to our house and kids make so much of noise , that I wake up with a start every morning at 7 am. We have slums view apartment ( yes, it is a concept in Bombay) , there is a open drain next to it ( but mercifully, it has running water and it doesn’t smell). On a totally different note ,since we don’t have cable, I seem to have more hours in the day. Earlier I never realized where the day went watching tv the whole afternoon, now I have found time. I am reading , soaking my feet in warm water, listening to music , going for long walks (albeit to get away from carpenter’s khat phat) .
But I am happy.
For the first time I have a house with balconies.. small but balconies all the same . I have hills to look at from them … I have to lean a little and see a bit of them , but they are hills and they are visible ..
And for the first time we are living on a higher floor than first (as to why only on first floor! that’s another story for another day , involving ma , my astrological chart and a pandit). I am able to ignore the slums down below. I can now spend the whole afternoon with the laptop, next to the window , in t shirts and shorts , disheveled hair , without worrying about someone prying into my bedroom. The windows are open all the time now. I can see the sky.
I think I will be happy here ..
On a totally different note ,since we don’t have cable, I seem to have more hours in the day. Earlier I never realized where the day went watching tv the whole afternoon, now I have found time. I am reading , soaking my feet in warm water, listening to music , going for long walks (albeit to get away from carpenter’s khat phat) .
Some six years back when we had shifted to Bombay we weren’t familiar with hang out places and only decent one near our place was this market verandah with a couple of eateries , a coffee shop , florist and …pandey paanwala.. initially we used to go to the market once , twice or sometimes more every week and have snacks , coffee , dinner ..whatever and at the end of it all , always have paan …Pandeyji is from our part of the world and we became friends … though after a while we stopped going there as often , we still ended up at his shop at least once a week ..N would end up there more often …
So with Pandeyji we are on friendly terms … but so much I never realized..
it so happened that one day some 7/8 months back N came out of the ATM to see Pandeyji in the queue … they exchanged pleasantries and Pandeyji asked N – haven’t seen you at our shop for a while, sahib ?
The sahib? replied – oh I have given up smoking , so I avoid ur shop lest I give in to temptations … sidebar : this was during that time ,which happens every six months, where N quits smoking for a week.. but during that week my darling acts as if he hasn’t smoked for 7 years …
men na !!
Anyway , what happened after that was , so wonderful (according to N) and so so weird (according to me) … Pandeyji clutched his hand and congratulated him .. then he went on to hug N , blessing him on the most wonderful act he has done.. "smoking kills , you know … I am so impressed …and proud" I am sure N has added a little mirch masala to it ."I was his hero that day’ .. "I think he had a little tear in his eyes”…ah well, the crux is that Pandeyji was happy and proud of N and N was very flattered and pleased with that …
Now as is his habit, N must have started smoking immediately after the drama …
but he could not muster up enough courage to tell Pandey ji ..
So since then, whenever he goes to Pandey ji’s place, he never buys any cigarettes.. and every time Pandey ji congratulates him … ‘I shrink a little every time , when I hear him telling people how wonderful and strong I am’ .. ya , he shrinks n all but laps it up all the same and says nothing ..
Last week we went to his shop and realized that the cigarettes were finished and it was 1:30 pm and there was no other shop open … N refused to buy it from Pandeyji … so I went ahead and bought a packet…. Pandey ji was not pleased, he went on to lecture me on how I should be more like my husband ..'I tell everyone about him, and how much will power he has’
I didn’t see my man shrink, rather he kept agreeing with him….
I would have told Pandeyji the truth, but N has taken it too far now and I didn’t want to be part of a drama sequence between him and Pandeyji …
like N was saying the other day – how can I do this to him … he is like a paanwaala I never had , but always wished for..
seriously what is with men and their paanwaalas , bartender, barber and the types… they are more worried about hurting their feeling than they are worried about their father's or wife's feelings..
I really don’t know how to let go …
whether it is that old dupatta , which I keep explaining to N, that it will someday match something and I will wear it …
or old assorted cassettes of college time, that I cannot play on the new player , so I play them on the walkman …
or that one particualr friend who choose to cut me out of her life so long ago , yet i still try n give reasons for her action to myself almost every other day ...
or my sister and brother , who tell me all the time to back off coz I just HAVE to know what they are feeling or how they are feeling.. every living moment …
or blogging …
that is why I keep coming back to it …
the first post I wrote was on 16th Feb 2003 … for a while I had been reading blogs and one day I opened an account and wrote …and it was good …
those were the days of no comments , no regular readers..no pressure , no nothing …I just wrote what ever I felt like …
then slowly I learned how to put in the comments section , started interacting with fellow bloggers ..my style of writing changed .. so have the urls , fonts , background ….
since then I have taken a lot of breaks , tried anonymous blogging et al ..
but I am always back …
because I cannot let go of things that have in some way or other given me happiness.. comforted me when I was down …
but sometimes it gets smothered with love , so I let it breathe a little …
but I am always back .
because I really don’t know how to let go ..
“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” so i intend to write the words. again . here. with honesty. for myself.